Internal Reflections
by ColorsOver
Summary: The smiling laughing people do not know what they will have to live through if I fail. This is my version of the inner thoughts that Chris feels, the ones he cannot voice aloud. From Chriscrossed to his death day! Please read!
1. Chapter 1

**In poetry format, I tried writing prose but I got all poetic and stuff and it just didn't work out to well. Lol. This is about Chris and what he thinks and how he's losing all this faith in himself so far. This chapter is how he deals with the pressure that's put on him to succeed and the memories of his family and the distrust they give him. **

**Should I continue? I have more ideas. Review and tell me. XD**

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**Story By Kaede**

**

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INTERNAL REFLECTION **

**.:The PressureChapter 1:.**

**The Streets**

I walk on are so

Different.

They are

Not

Cracked

Not

Stained

With blood

And there are

Smling://

Laughing://

People.

They do not know what

They will live through

If I fail.

-----------

**I Want**

The pressure to

Cease.

I want to be

Able to see

Bianca

Again.

"Haven't we

Been here

Before?"

"Maybe we

Will be

Again"

Just another

Lie to add

To the

Pile.

I want my mother,

No, Piper

To not look at

Me with such

Doubt.

Yet, I don't want

To see her eyes

Shine,

They way they

Did before

My 14th

Birthday.

Besides…

What does it matter

What I want

Anyway?

It never has

Before.

**Wyatt**

**-------------**

I can walk past

Him everyday now

And not feel the

Pain that I felt

The

First

Time.

It was overwhelming at

First,

He'd never

Held such

Innocence

In my eyes

Before.

I want to reach

Out and

Save that

Innocence

Even

To the

Point

Where

It kills

Me.

Maybe we'd

All be better

Off

That

Way.

-----------------

**Leo**

"Remember

_Trust_

Works both

Ways"

I agree—

I don't trust

Him

And he doesn't

Trust me.

I've always

Wanted to see

The pride

Shine in his

Eyes for me

Like it would

P e r p e t u a l l y

For Wyatt.

He was

Twice-blessed

And I

Was

Forsaken.

Yet, all I see

Is distrust now,

But I've been

Used to it

For

Twenty

Two

Years.

----------------------

**A Stranger **

That is what

I am…

That is _all_

That I am.

I am going to

Die a

S t r a n g e r

To my mother

Who won't

Mourn for my death

Because she doesn't care

About a stranger

Who knows he

Will die

From the

Poisonous words

And the

Sharpened

--poignant--

words

that break his

heart

at the hands

of the only people

he's bothered

to love.

--------------------------

**Measurements**

Am I so low

Because I don't want

Them to find out about

Me?

How high would I measure

In comparison

To Wyatt

Now?

Would I still

Stand as

Strong

For a cause

That I know

Is already

Lost?

---------------------------

**Lies**

I want to mean

It when I say

"If I cannot

Save you,

I swear

I'll stop you"

But

I know that

That is just

Another lie

That I've

Told myself

To hide

From

Everything.

I've lied

To myself

Like I've lied

To

Mother,

Aunt Phoebe and

Aunt Paige,

Bianca,

Leo

And now

Wyatt.

---------------------

**Pressure **

Pushes harder

And harder

Until I cannot

Speak

And I cannot

Breathe.

It pushes until

I lose the will

To do even

The simplest things.

All I want to

Do is break away

From this

Morbid motivation

That haunts my

Sleepless nights

And fuels

My

Deadpanned

Words.

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**This is Kaede! Please Reveiw, tell me what you think, should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I don't own it! But who does anymore?

**This is Kaede! I got 2 reviews!! YAYAYAY thanks to Waterbottlesrule and ****Pandora of Ithilien** **you guys rule! XD Ya gotta review or else I don't know if you like it or not. Also if you got any suggestions let me know! XD.**

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**BTW, this is acctually gonna have a plot. Well kind of, it's like all of Chris' inner thoughts from Chris-Crossed to his death day (it's a bad, bad, world)****

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INTERNAL REFLECTIONS  
****

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**CHAPTER 2**

**------------------**

**Memorized **

I have memorized

That whole

Book

(Every single

Page.

From the future,

Word-for-word)

And

Nothing

In there is

Helping me

Find what turned

Wyatt.

The sisters

Don't help much

At all either

With their

Distrust

And lack

Of helpfulness.

What happened to

Saving the

Innocent?

This time

The innocent

Is the

Whole

World.

-----------------

**Saving Wyatt **

How am I supposed

To tell them that

I do not

Know

What demon

Kills Wyatt

When,

Wyatt is the one

Who kills

The unfaithful

Demons.

Wyatt

Lives,

And sometimes

I wish he didn't,

Those thoughts

Are always

Greeted by

Shocked

Contemplative

Silence

Echoing in my mind.

---------------------

**"I Don't Need You" **

It is kind of hard

To not believe someone

Who yells those words

At you

While their

Hands are

Wrapped around your

Throat.

Did he really mean them?

Or was he lying

To himself,

Like I am

When I say I

Can. Kill. him.

-----------------

**Up There**

Seems so

Far away

From down here,

It's terribly white

And

There are a bunch

Of old men up

There who

Are loosing their

Sanity.

Yet, Leo

Takes Wyatt

Up there,

It will become

A reoccurring habit

For them

To leave me

Behind.

-------------------

**Up Here**

I can see all

Across

San Francisco,

I can see the bays and

The boats

And the water.

I can see the

Cars

And the

Buildings

And the houses.

I feel safe up here.

They are so

Vulnerable down

There.

I wonder why

They are

Still

Driving across

The bridge, or

Walking toward

The resuraunts

And then

I remember,

_It hasn't happened _

_Yet._

_---------------------------_

**Lying Again**

I am doing it

Always now,

Why is it so

Easy for

Me to look

Them—her—

In the eyes

And tell them

I don't know

What's happening,

When the

Sick realization

Is that I'm watching

History repeat

Itself

And I'm

Doing

Nothing.

-----------------

**Bianca**

I can't believe

Bianca left,

I held her in

My arms

As she died.

I

Left

Her

There

To

Die

In the presence

Of a

Murderer

Ten

Fold.

Everything

I'm working towards

Had better

Work.

----------------------

**Chris Perry**

Halliwell.

It is who I have

Been all my life.

It means I have to keep fighting

Through everything,

I can't just take the

Easy way out

And die

(like so many have done)

I have to keep saving

People

No matter

How far

My soul slips.

I have to keep finding

Hope

Where there is none.

That's why I am

A Halliwell.

But to them I am

A Perry.

A stranger.

And

A liar.

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**Review PLEASE!!!**

**Luv, Kaede**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't owned Charmed!!! Quick someone comfort me.

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**Hallo Y'all. XD I'm having a country accent. **

**Anyways, it's Kaede here, **

**Thank you so much again to ****Pandora of Ithilien**** and Waterbottlesrule for the reviews that keep me updating.**

**I promise that as long as one person is reading and wants me to continue I'll upate.**

**(but that doesn't mean you shouldn't review. PLEASE REVIEW!!!)**

**Anyway, enough of my blabering enjoy.**

**-Till tomorrow,**

**Kaede****

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**

CHAPTER 3

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**Love **

Holds the definition

Of everything

That is

Good

And beautiful

And yet it doesn't

Flaunt it.

It is the most powerful

Thing anywhere,

Any place,

In any person,

On any plain.

It fuels magic and

Mystery.

It is the building

Blocks for

Everything—

Every thought,

Every feeling,

Every word.

It lights hope

Where there is none,

And it calms you with

Simple words.

Yet the lack of it

Is something I always shall

Remember.

The lack of it

Is what caused the

Rift

In

Every being's soul.

Mine,

Yours,

The charmed ones',

And

Wyatt's too.

------------------

**Birthday**

It was Piper's birthday

Today.

And she said she was

Giving up on love.

Nobody can give up on

Love,

It's always there

Subconsciously.

Yet on the last birthday

I ever bothered to

_Think_ about

I lost

My will

To love too.

I hope that

Piper

Gets her's

Back today,

Because it is a terrible feeling

To know

That nobody

Is loving you

Right now.

-----------------

**It Slipped**

Through my fingers,

It slipped through my lips,

I could not hold

Back what I was trying to hide,

_"I didn't come back from the future _

_To vanquish a demon… _

_…I came back to stop Wyatt from _

_Turning" _

--

Isn't it ironic?

The first time I tell the truth

Piper tells me

She never

Wants

To

See

Me again.

----------------

**Orbing**

I orbed

Out,

Faster than

I ever have

Before.

But not fast

Enough

To

Not lock eyes

With her.

They were full of

Hate,

And hurt

And distrust,

Regret,

But mostly hate.

Oh God,

My mother

_Hates_

Me.

-----------------------------

**Dead Alive**

Do you know

What it's like

To have watched

Everyone

You love

Die

At the hands

Of someone you

Love,

And can't stop loving?

"_Where I come from families don't _

_Exist, _

_I never got to know _

_Mine." _

And yet, here they are,

They're walking

And talking

And breathing

And hating

Me.

It's everything I've ever wanted

And yet

It's not.

I just don't want to

Go back to the future

Just to see

Their graves

Again.

---------------------

**Still Standing**

Some how,

When all I want to

Do is

Die.

I want to

Die so much,

Yet I cannot.

I don't want to die

A stranger

To her.

Yet I cannot tell her.

There is conflict

In my thoughts.

I still

Need to save

The future

So it doesn't become

The living hell

That my

_Brother_

Created.

-----------------

**Kidnapped **

By the Order

And it's my fault.

He's in danger

And he hasn't done

Anything…

Yet.

Powers bound,

He's helpless.

While I could leave him

To die,

I cannot,

He's my brother

And I am

The only

One who can

Save him.

--------------------

**Line**

There is a thin

Line between

Love and hate.

Have I crossed the line

By lying

One too many times?

Please, mom.

Forgive me,

Wyatt's safe

Now,

Yet I've never

Felt more

Vulnerable.

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**YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO REVIEW!!!!! XD. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **whisper I don't own charmed whisper-- _people will believe anything if you whsiper it_

**_Hiya_ **

**Kaede here, I'm updating! Thank you my favorite (and only so far) reviewers. You know who you are. XD.**

**Here is the next chapter, Phoebe confronts Chris!! Enjoy.****

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**

Chapter 4

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**Shaky Ground**

I don't know where I stand,

I can't believe I'm

Even

Standing.

Everything I've been

Working towards

Could have been

Lost.

My

Cause is still in danger,

Because

I am too stubborn,

Too afraid,

To orb to the manor

And see where

I stand

With the sisters.

I can only hope

They don't knock

Me back down to

Hell,

Where

I probably

Deserve to be.

**Distrust**

Is something I

_Really_ should be

Used to right

Now.

Yet it digs deeper

And deeper

Unearthing scars

That were meant to be buried

Until they bleed

With fresh blood.

Every

Harsh word

That is directed towards me

Hurts,

And the skeptism behind

Their actions

Spires guilt,

But I should be grateful

That I have been given

A second

Chance.

**Love Wyatt**

I can stand there

Unnoticed,

For the longest time

While she

Sits there

Playing with Wyatt.

Everything he is—

Is innocence.

He stands for all that is good.

I can see the worry

That mixes with her

Undying love

As she asks herself

_Where did I go wrong?_

**You Did Nothing**

I want to tell her that

It is not her fault for the

Predetermined events that are

Set to come…

But I can't

Because of

_Future consequences_.

**Memories**

I remember her,

My mother

--not "Piper"—

Who was so much

More different

Than this.

She never looked

At me

With such hate

No matter

How mad

I made her.

I was anything

But perfect

And that I regret.

I just wish I could

Have saved

Her

As she

Was dying

In my arms.

I called for

Wyatt

And

I called for _Leo_.

Neither came,

Neither heard.

Wyatt was in the underworld

And Leo had

Put

Me on mute

Years ago.

**Second Chances**

Are hard to keep.

You have to fight

With everything you're worth

To not

Screw up

Again.

I'd say I'm doing

_Okay_

But as mom used to

Say,

"We are poor

Judgers of

Ourselves."

If that's so,

I must be messing

Up

Horribly

Again.

**Fighting**

"Regardless

Of

Personal reasons,

I came to protect Wyatt

And not to see them again…"

I tell myself

That

_Every day_

But I'm beginning

To differentiate between

The lies and the truths.

This one is just another

Ringing in my ears,

The one that keeps

Screaming

"**Fight!** _Fight,_ fight."

**Surprise**

Of all the things that I thought

Phoebe would

Ask me…

I definitely not

Expected that.

I didn't expect her

To walk through that

Door

With confusion in her

Eyes.

I did not expect her to

Stare at me

As if I were some foreign object,

And I _did not_ expect her

To throw away

All I've been

Fighting to keep hidden

By gently asking me—

In her trademark whisper—

"Are you Wyatt's little brother?"

And

Oh God,

I did not mean to say,

"Yes I am"

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW!!! All I'm asking for is for you to review!!!**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own charmed. Sad I know

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**HEYA, it's Kade, I finally updated I know it's been like years. Sorry!!!!! The document thingy was being mean and I couldn't upload anything. :(**

**Onwards**

**

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**

**CHAPTER 5**

**

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**

**Changing**

Everything is changing,

I feel unbalanced

And disoriented.

If it wasn't for the suppressed

Emotions

I don't think

I would

Be able

To walk.

I feel weak and

Worthless.

How could I have let

Things get

So out

Of hand?

Why can't I do

Anything right?

So many people are depending

On me?

Is it my destiny to

Let every one

I've ever

Cared about

Down

Over and

Over again?

* * *

**Time**

Does not stand

Still and does

Not wait

For

You.

Or give you second

Chances.

It throttles you

With a rude

Awakening

That makes you cringe

With every step.

It digs it's twisted

Fingers into

Your flesh until

The blood seeps over

And all you want to do

Is scream

But the moment quickly

Passes.

It is of this

Very

Beautiful

Essence of

Which I am

Running out

Of.

* * *

**Reckless**

I have been reckless

And have

Tossed my

Chance out the

Window.

I will disappear

Soon—

And I will have failed.

Wyatt would still be evil.

Wyatt would never

Be the brother

That I saw before

Mom's death.

He will still be the cold,

Ruthless,

Brother that I have come

To know but never

Accept

* * *

**Why?**

Why did this have to happen like

This?

One would think

That God would

Have let me

Die

With

A fragment

Of pride.

But all I have

To carry home

With me

Is a scrap

Of hope

And some

Reassuring words

From

Aunt Phoebe

About Piper

Who at this time

Still does not know

And still

Does not

Care.

* * *

**Reflection**

If I am not conceived

Will I disappear

And merely cease to

Exist?

Will my memories fade

Or will I keep them?

Will I even have a

Conscious mind?

Will I…

Get to see my mother

Again?

Or will I never have existed—

I'd be a stranger

Here

And a stranger

In my own time.

Could I really handle that?

Could I go on

Pretending like

**I **never existed.

It's not like I deserve a second chance

Anyway.

* * *

**Fear **

I have feared a lot

Of things throughout my life,

I have feared Wyatt,

I have feared losing

Everything I've cared about—

Those things happened though

And I moved

On.

Yet, I have never been so afraid

In my life.

If I fail here, nothing

Will matter.

Every sacrifice

Will mean nothing.

The millions of innocents

Who are counting on me,

Who held so much faith

In their eyes

Before I left.

They though I could do it,

The seconds tick by and

Here I stand.

Farther away

Than

Ever

Before.

* * *

**Phoebe**

What would I do with out my aunts?

In the future they have

Always been there.

Now in the past (present?)

Phoebe is still

Trying to help me.

They came to my defense

Even while

My parents were blinded

By their love for Wyatt.

I know that I don't

Deserve to have

Such loving,

Sympathetic relatives

And I don't know

If it will work.

Phoebe

Says I can trust her.

Do you know how hard it is

To give your trust to someone

When before you

Vowed to never

Give it again…

Yet, for the sake of the

Future and everyone in it

I have to

Try.

* * *

**Fading**

I can feel myself

Slowly succumbing

To the disappearing

Act my

Body is

Playing on me.

I am fading so

Fast.

Ha, trust really

Doesn't get you that far

Does it?

* * *

**Ghostly Plane**

Something happened

On the ghostly

Plane.

I was fading

So fast,

So far away from

Everyone

(would I disappear alone?)

So far from what

I came back to

Accomplish.

I remember how afraid I was

That I had

Failed

The future

Who had placed

Its faith in me—

And then I stopped

Fading

(When a man loves a woman…)

* * *

**Second Chance**

Somehow I got the second chance

I did not

Deserve.

I could not stop

The cry of

Relief that

Escaped my lips.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE (Kade's Korner, lol.) **

**The more reviews I get the faster I'll update.**

Sorry about the horizontal lines. If you know anyway I can space the poems without them please let me know!!

**The "when a man loves a woman" was supposed to be funny. Laugh**


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